Love like this before

2007-07-23T13:22:00.001-07:00

it took me so long to get into my account that i forgot what i was going to write about.

i think it had to do with buying the Bible on mp3...dahhh! anyways, i wont waste time talking about that now. theres not much i can do about it. that might be the wrong attitude, i'm just not sure of all the angles i want to see this.

my understanding of God is changing, for the better. i'm frustrated at how i have personally changed the image of God, because of my preferences. to who i want him to be, so that my views can be right and just.

i view praying as something i should do. and i know its something, a interacting action, that is beneficial, but really i want it to be something that i long to do. and not something i feel guilty about not doing. i find that when i have a late night and am too tired, i feel quite guilty for skipping prayer. i'm not sure psychologically what i need to change, what perspective is bringing this destructive nature, but i'm not sure i can stop thinking and searching until i find it.

for awhile now, i have been pretty frustrated at my family. i think we are all adjusting and not adjusting, which brings alot of tension. but lately, i have been able to see good and helpful qualities in them. i have also been able to see the purpose of a family. i knew that in the future i want a family of my own, but presently wasnt able to be happy with the one i was apart of. but God has opened understanding and allowed me to see my family and myself through grace.

i'm starting school soon. hopefully. i'm not sure about it. there seems to be alot of obstacles, i'm not sure if all of them are possible to get by. i'm sure there are other options no matter what. anyways, peace!

2007-05-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

i have been pretty frustrated lately. there's just some stuff i have been thinking through. i think i have said this before, but i'm a big talker with no action. so i want to make this clear, this isnt a judgement on anyone, just feelings and thoughts. i dont think they amount to much, i dont have a life to back what i'm saying.
i think alot of people are frustrated with the church, but i got to be honest with you, i'm frustrated with myself. i was so blinded to what was going on. Dependent and relying other people to make my choices and beliefs. I agreed with the war, because the people around me agreed with it. they seem to know what they were talking about. but now i'm not too sure about what they are saying. but then i dont know about what the peace activist are saying. i mean there's got to be healthy way of doing things. of fighting and loving. i feel very soon a patting on my head is in order, "there, there."
i'm frustrated that i dont have courage to live by my convictions. no matter what it means. in my eyes, pain is the signal to give up. adversity is the time to find a corner. perserverance is when it becomes too much. oh please, i'm not asking for pity or anything else. i'm just saying stuff. i'm just saying that i got nothing to say about your life, but that i need to change mine. thats all.

WooHoo!

2007-03-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

Hey! I'm in Beautiful British Columbia! I arrived here monday night and it felt so good to see mountains. I wanted to yell, "look! there's mountains!" but there were people on the plane and it would be embarassing. so i didnt. it feels really good to be with friends and to talk with them about eachothers lives. the point to come out here was to be with friends and see where that takes me. among all the good talks and laughs, it has lead me back to insecurities with people. But i continue to look for where God will heal me and how i could be used to help. but anyways, no time for writing...gotta go back to making this trip worth while...woohoo! roger out my friends

The Perfect Morning

2007-03-09T18:59:00.000-08:00

I was woken this morning by the refresh smell of a new day. Being a wake at 6:30 and to see light was something I have been missing. I was lured into the day by the warm comforting smell of my pillow with birds lightly churping by my window. Feeling hope for what was to come. I looked out the window hoping to see grass and trees budding. Not so, but i did see the moon shining ever so brightly as the sun began to rise. This gave me a sense of being small and important. As though, my life was unique and significant to you, to me, and to God. Being woken so gently and then to hear those purpose filling words was really more than i can describe. I have been getting to know God again. Even though, I am not where I want to be, I am where I need to be. I am glad I have gone through what I have. He's breaking me and this is what I have asked all along. I don't care what I go through, I just want to be with Him. To love Him with no hidden agenda or motive. To know Him and be in union with Him. Not only to be in union, but to live as though I know I am. I have been very focused on my circumstances, that I was unfocused on the person I pursue to be. I got sick of waking up. I got sick of waking up and knowing I was a fake. That all I talked about, I doubted. I thought I was suppose to fight for justice and I thought justice was perfecting the law in all of us. I thought people should know my views on gays and sex. Instead, of God's views on love. Somehow, my pursuit in knowing truth, got mixed up with these lies about who we could never be. This is the part I hate. The part where I can relate to satan, when he declares that he can be better than God or the same as. I know I didnt mean this intentionally. But that was the end result of my lack of humility and abundance of pride. Forgot, in all my struggles and loniness, to depend. Completely surrender myself to the only Person who I know who can do something and anything with me. I'm pitiful, but important.

Now, I have an addiction!

2007-02-21T22:19:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!
I guess this blog thing is pretty much a habit for me now. i like writing. So! i think this will be a better blog than the last one. i hope saying this wont jinx (i think thats how you spell it) this, but i find my heart more joyful when i confess to God and myself, that i can't do this. half the time i think i am insane and i am so confused about who i am. i have no idea if i am the only one that does this, but there are times when i roll my eyes or am annoyed at someone for their inability to perform gracefully, not because i really care, but because i think others do. somehow, i feel i obtain status when i can point out some else's mistakes or shortcomings. i know this isn't new behaviour, but i really dont know how common it is. it's disappointing that my insecurity and my uncompassionate heart have joined their purposes.

i dont do much here. i have joined Goodlife...to get me to do something. but i'm stressing about the commitment to paying that much for machines. but anyways, i gotta do something other than blog and work. every wednesday night, i try and go out with my aunts and sister for coffee. they talk about sex alot. haha...i'm learning so much. i cry everynight. ha. but then we get into other topics, like people who have affairs in their marriage and the wife doesn't want to admit it. all this drama thats not even theirs. some make comments about spying on the husband to video tape him, catch him in the act. people need to stop watching tv. seriously. turn off the boob tube and walk away...GO! have a life! but anyways, i like doing this. "ladies night" has grown. my brothers fiance is coming when she can and my aunts friend comes...both are awesome company.

i know this isnt much to tlk about. oh well! bye

Shit?

2007-02-18T09:30:00.001-08:00

Hey guys, i hope things are good with you. however, i'm sure who "you" are...i dont know who reads my blog, let alone if there are any "you."
anyways, i thought i would shock all of you with my title...if you know me, you know i dont usually swear. but this blog is about shit, just as much it is about love. what i am learning right now, is about grace. i want to be real with you. only for now, i'm not too sure how long i can be honest for. i suck. i suck at trying to live up to peoples expectations and my own. i've conviced myself that my own expectations were Gods, but i am also realizing that i know God less than i thought i did. what i know of God has been told to me by people with their own agendas and their own deception that they have picked up from others. but anyways, to the point. i suck. i have thought myself good all these years...for 21 years. which isnt long, but along enough with pride. i have thought of myself as a good christian and then lately i have thought of myself as not a christian at all. because everything i thought made a christian i can't do anymore with a joyful heart. my joy came from the thought that my Father was proud and he put me on the stage to win first place. to be better than the others. but now all the things that i thought made my christianity have become nothing. for a while, i thought God became nothing to me. i was afraid to tell people, because i was afraid that i couldnt relate to you anymore and the result being losing your friendship. i guess what started my feeling of emptiness is the double sided talks i had with people. they would quote verses like, nothing can take you out of the hands of God, but then they would talk about if you had an abortion they would question your christianity. how commited you were. this is scaring me to say this, imagining the opposition i will get from you and others. sin will not make or break you as a child of God. sin doesnt determine if you get into heaven or not...grace does. Gods grace. i feel like homer simpons when he sees a "diet" sign. i am so scared to say this. i know my fears are pretty irrational...i wish i could explain about this, but i dont think i have words yet. just yelling.
if you know me, you know that i am a very very strong willed person with regards to what i believe. i kinda feel like paul. for so long, convicing people that Christianity was wrong enough to kill every last one of them. but i was doing this to freedom. people's freedom to watch porn or have abortions. i still think that they are unhealthy and really dont benefit anyone. its even hard now to not say that they are sinful things or wrong..."God isnt pleased with them". but like i mentioned before, sin isnt the issue, its love. thoughts are very secret. no one needs to know about them, but if they are dark enough they can make you feel so alone. alone, because you might be rejected from people. saying this now, makes me feel nieve to think that i wont be rejected by some for my thoughts or my fears. i can see theres a misunderstanding among women and men. i thought i was so alone in this, but i am finding out that women think about sex more than anyone would like to admit. we may have a emotional reason for it, but we are just as much physical as the next guy. i am not saying to the degree of a guy, but who am i to say, i'm not a guy. but i wanted to put that out there. maybe everyone else knew this, but i find conversations with guys, they tend to think that thinking about sex is a dramatic thing. i know its hard to stay mentally pure, let alone phsically pure, but i think the fact that girls have the same issue is underrated. Throughout Summit, the issue that i thought that was pretty prominant was the fact that guys are visual. that maybe so, but girls have imaginations too. i have struggled with sexual thoughts since i was in grade nine. i have felt so alone in this, because people have highlighted it so much in guys, that i didnt think any other girls delt with it. which lead me to never talk about it.
i know guys and girls differ. there's no denying that, but i think we are the same in alot of things as well. anyways, i think thats enough for now.

Just Wanted to Write

2007-02-16T20:53:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, i hope things are well. I have to realize that people just dont have time to write these things, let alone read them. but anyways, like i have said before, i dont really do this for anyone else. i dont expect people to read this. i just split milk on my shirt...this is not good. this might be a crappy blog to read, i'm in a pretty horrible mood.
I'm realizing alot things that i dont want in my life. i'm realizing that i dont want to be here (home), i dont want my job, i dont want my weak character...i feel a lack of purpose. i hate my job. i hate my house. i hate my social skills. yeah, this might not be the greatest blog to read. i feel i am searching for something, but i know whatever it is, i dont have it. i feel guilty at times, because i should have joy in the Lord, i should be content and praise His name is all circumstances. i'm not sure what the truth is there. i would like to be content in my "desert." But...i'm not. i'm not someone who slaps on a smile and repeats that " life is good." i'm also afraid that i'm not going to ever be content...i know i know, we aren't meant for this world and it's such a joy to know that we wont truly be content until we're with the Lord. i wish you could see my eyes roll. i know what to say, better than you know what to say about these things. i have faked my way through all these things, and to be honest, for some of it i wasnt faking. i dont think this is me maturing as a christian...well, maybe part of it, but to be honest i'm not in the mood to think that i was a "good" christian faking my way through it all.
sorry about all this. i could delete this entry and you would never know that i wrote this and your life might be better off, because of it. and i'm not even sure you understood what i said...random thoughts. i'm just frustrated wanting people to think i am this person. i thought i should tell everyone that i poo...to poo at someone's house or even a weekend with a friend, i can't poo. i'm afraid of being seen at stinky. i'm afraid of being rejected, i know everyone has this crappy i dea of rejection. i know told some people, but there was one trip that i held in my poo for nine days. i was so backed up that i was crying when i actually went...it hurt so much. even to keep it in...but my mind was determined to be accepted. or at least not be rejected. (sigh) maybe you can relate, but i alter or cause myself pain in order to have your approval. i will run the distance, i will jump the height, i will beg, if you want me too. i think there's a song there. i want you to ignore the fact that i'm a girl and think i 'm funny...i'll make that a statement...i'm funny. i want you to remember that i'm a girl and know that i am beautiful. Nay! drop dead gorgeous. yeah, thats right. i want you to change your expectations of who you want me to be, to who i am now. i hope you know that this is all very poetic...i know the truth...or least most of truth about what i am saying. no need to feel offended or lost, but just take them as passing feelings.
Oh dear, i got to go, someone who i dont want to talk to just came on. well, until another later

Here's a poem...

2007-02-09T20:23:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, i dont normally do this. i wrote a poem and i dont normally do this unless i like it. i like this poem, because it gives reason to what i am working through right now. it's not finished, because there's parts about it i dont like. just because they dont sound all that smooth, like a poem shoould. i dont want pity, just to make this clear. i know alot of people have gone through this and...this has no hidden agenda that i can currently think of. anyways! here it is...

I knew pornography, before i knew multiplication.
I knew horror, before I knew substraction.
I knew disappointment, before I knew words.

It's not "a world" of experience I need.
The world I know.
I dont need a room with a lock.
No cocoon is needed for me.
What I need is to know purity, among corruption.
To know the presence of God, among the absence of God.
To know Grace.
To the good of this life.
To know the sunrises, just as much as I know the sunsets.

My innocence was stripped, before I was clothed with it.
I was alone with my demons, before they knew my name.
I was afraid of God, before I knew the grace of God.

It's not "a world" of experience I need.
The world I know.
I dont need a room with a lock.
No cocoon is needed for me.
What I need to know is safety in the darkness.
To know the presence of God, among the absence of God.
To know Grace.
To know the good in this life.
To know the sunrises, just as much as I know the sunsets.

I claimed myself condemed, before I knew who I was.
I was found by my fears, before I could be hidden.
I was bound, before I could run.

It's not "a world" of experience I need.
The world I know.
I dont need a room with a lock.
No cocoon is needed for me.
What I need is to know freedom within iron bars.
To know the presence of God, among the absence of God.
To know Grace.
To know sunrises, just as much as I know sunsets.

To know sunrises, just as much as I know sunsets.

Feeling Overwhelmed

2007-01-31T20:22:00.000-08:00

Guten Abendt (good evening),
I recently went up north to Summit to visit Reid and Erick. It was insane to be back there. We went snowshoeing on the lake at night, so crazy beautiful. Not a cloud in sight and the peace I found in being there went farther than the moon touched hills. I find clarity when I am away from it all. Which is like most people. But something I can't seem shake is the feeling of being overwhelmed with one purticular issue- the condition of our world. And so the question must be asked, "I know you can be underwhelmed and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever be just whelmed?" Ha. Can anyone tell me what movie thats from? anyways, i feel quite overwhelmed. There is so many children, women and men living in devasting situations. Who am I to be here? To be fed? To be loved? To have parents that are dealing with body parts going south, instead of children who watched their parents die everyday before the age of ten? I know it's sounds like I am beating myself over this and that might even be the case, I just cant the thought of wanting everything to be equaled out. The pain of the human condition to be equaled out among us. Whats so special and great about me that I am here, safe. But i guess thats another side of the human condition, life isnt' fair. I am so sick of seeing boarders and property lines. Now, no worries, I wont begin to enter strangers houses, because I want to make some kind of protest. I just hate the attitude of, let them deal with their own. I get this drive to do something, this feeling that things need to be dealt with. To live day to day and continue to think that children are not enjoying life, but in fact suffering because they are only half alive. OK, lets do something, i think to myself. Then I begin to look at options of volunteering. SO MANY! i feel so helpless. So many places need people. I am faced with the fact that the problem is bigger than me. What I can't seem shake is letting go. I realize that this problem will be here way past the time that I die, but if I could just make it better. Find a way to change peoples lives. Dang, I know this sounds so heroic and...bla. But these are my thoughts and feelings. Things that wont leave. I want to live and to live is to love. I just want to get far enough past myself to love as least someone else. I have so much distance to cover.

What I Got

2007-01-24T23:30:00.000-08:00

Hey ya all!
I guess I could give you a quick up date. I believe the last time I made an entry I said I wouldnt write about myself anymore. That was last october and well, I still havent gotten past myself. Hence no entries since. But I thought I should let you guys know where I'm at in life and what's been happening.
I have been working at Starbucks in London. As some of you know, I really really like Starbucks. There are things about the company that I am disappointed about, but for the most part I really respect them. The new president of the company has made alot of good changes. Anyways, I believe there's alot about the company that I dont know. I dont know if my suspicions are from my gut or from my well established lack of trust in the corrupt...corporate world.
I had a decent Christmas, like most people had to work the holi-days. And since there wasnt any snow, it didnt feel a bit like Christmas. It was good to hang out with family, sit down for dinner with awkward tension, now that felt like Christmas.
These past few months have been more depressing than I could explain. With weekly counseling visits being the only thing getting me through. Then with great friends coming to visit to bring compassion and frienship into my time here. I wont go into too much detail about everything. I will say this, I am getting better. Life is getting better. When I sought out to make my life more than about me, i didnt realize the extensive work it would require. Expanding oneself is more painful than is expected. Growing pains, if you can remember, is more of an awkward, achy, uncomfortable, painful feeling. Maturing is no different. The statement still remains that I am sick of talking, seeing and listening about myself. To be free of my excessive need to fill my life with deception and avoidance is what I want. But to see life in its entire truest form is harder than I thought it would be. As you can see I am simply just taken back from the reality of life. Before I continue to fill your life with my excessive need for attention, I want to say this.
Life is getting better.

Let's Talk About Something Else

2006-10-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be truthful, I am disappointed. I'm mostly disappointed in me. It seems I have made this about me, my life. I have made my life about me, who else would it be about? Isn't everyone's life about themselves? Who came up with the idea that any of the lives we live are our own? The simple answer to the question is God. He's the one to give life and free will to us. He didn't give us anyone else's path, except our own. It's like this blog, Blogspot allowed me this way of communicating to people and to use my blog how I please. I like the fact that it's about me or least I have the will to do so. However, at the very same time I hate it. In fact, it's like looking in the mirror. I don't know about anyone else, but I look at myself in the mirror alot. Is that being too honest? Well, I do. I look at myself in the mirror so much, I get annoyed at the sight of myself. It's like when people are sick of hearing about Mondonna or Brad Pitt. I'll get to my point. I am sick of myself. I am annoyed at thinking about what I want or what I should do. I don't want to write another "I." That will start as soon as this entery is done. I am going to begin "my life" with alittle change to start off with. I am going to make my blog about - not me. I don't know what I am going to make it about, it just can't be about you know who.

I Do Regret

2006-09-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

I am listening to Relient K, because somehow i like them. During this time of head banging and mouthing the words like i was in a music video, i was reminded of a horrible time in my life. a time where i was attending one of their concerts in the U.S.. i guess i should explain something about myself, before you get confused. there are times when i want to have dramatic attention. i'm like the girls who get drunk at the bar and then they are laughing and loud, i'm just sober. i think i am failing in explaining myself. anyways, i dont know why i did this. i dont think my parents let me out enough when i was a child. i yelled as loud as i could, "i love matt theisen." (the lead singer in the band)this was pretty big concert. the embarassment didnt hit me until weeks later. i guess the reason i am exposing myself like this is, because i feel like it's freeing to laugh with friends about my stupidity. my immaturity. this has also reminded me to remember, who i am before i speak. to remember who i am in Christ. it is typical for teenagers to do these kinds of things, but it was just a reminder of change. oh, i am positive i will have tons more embarassing stories. i just hope that my pride will never get in the way of me laughing at myself.

A Memory and Some Quotes.

2006-07-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

So...yeah. I was moving from Muskoka Woods to Cirlce Square Ranch and while i was doing this I came across a letter i wrote to myself about a kid last summer.

"I worked at this camp as a canoe instructor. All summer kids took my class just so they could do nothing. I felt that if they didnt want to canoe I wasnt going to force them. Well, I started feeling that way in the middle of the summer and my feelings changed to, why even bother mentioning canoeing. It wasnt that i didnt like canoeing or teaching it. What got me feeling this way was the constant put downs towards canoeing. Just pushing kids to get their life jackets on would alone exhaust me for the day. But the very last week of camp, 5th period. Only one student...Michael. i've never seen anyone so excited about canoeing. never ever ever. Everyday he was early and no word of a lie, the first words out of his mouth, "can we go canoeing?" "Hi Michael, how was your morning?" Ignoring my question, "can we go canoeing?" "Well, this is canoeing class, it would only make sense if we did." "Ok, i'll go get my life jacket." For the rest of the week i found out i couldnt ask him anything until we were in the canoe going around, doing what he loved. it wasnt about tipping or splashing other kids, like everyone else. He didnt want to get wet. He just simply loved canoeing. i didnt believe him. i asked him questions everday to find out what his hidden motive was...he just shrugged his shoulders, "it's fun." i didnt believe him, i couldnt. what made him so different from all the other billion kids who hated canoeing? A feeling came up from the depths of me. A feeling i set aside not to bother with. Just as i didnt believe Michael, I dont believe people when they like me. When they truly enjoy spending time with me."

After finding this, I realized a year later most of the time i feel the same. I havent really grown from that experince. However, there are times when i am completely conceited and think why shouldnt people like me. a balance of humility needs to be in me. i want my heart to not care. and not a hurt pride attitude, " i dont even care." but where it doesnt even occur to me. and so much of that has to do with finding confidence in God and being humbled by his greatness.

"I believe in God as I believe in the Sun has risen,
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
C.S. Lewis

"Do not waste time bothering whether you "love" you neighbor; act as if you did.
As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if
you loved someone you will presently come to love him."
C.S. Lewis

I can't wait to see you guys some day. Some day soon.

What's been up with me...

2006-06-07T18:32:00.001-07:00

Hey my peeps,
so...i kind of forgot that i even had a blog. ha! anyways, this is whats been up. i went to california for two weeks...well, alittle less. but whatever. that was a stretching trip. i'm going to be honest, it was good for me. i wouldnt consider it a vacation though. anyways, i was home for a week. which was alright. it was good to spend time with the fam. and hang out with my cousin. my cousin haley is so awesome. she's six and so full of life. anyways, she was the highlight of going home. after that, i went to Muskoka Woods...again. and have been here ever since. i might...might have a job at circle square ranch...as like a whatever girl. i will be doing some program directing, some head counseling and some where ever they need me. i think that it will give me some experience. which is all i want right now.
okay, now on to the more important things in life. God, the rest of the world and i. God has been making me realize that emotions are over rated. i have been letting my relationship with God (and really everybody) be effected by my emotions. and we all know how fast emotions change. so yeah, i have been working on focusing on the truth. which is nice, because truth doesnt change. such a sigh of relief. truth is God is love and right. truth is people needed to be lifted up and not shut down. truth is i talk, when i should shut up.
also, the Holy Spirit is alot more evident in my life. not that He wasnt working before, i just havent noticed as much.
okay, i am done for the day with my job and i am tired. but i have enjoyed this day. it's nice to have a really eventful day. anyways, i will try and remember that i have a blog. BYE!

What's been up with me...

2006-06-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

Just Bored

2006-04-07T21:11:00.000-07:00

Hey, i thought i would write. I had nothing better to do, well thats not true. I was looking over the pictures of my year at Summit College and i was taken back. And a few minutes before taking a walk on memory lane i was talking to a friend about progress. They feel like their life hasnt gone very far. Like they were suppose to be out and beyond their past. As i was looking back and thinking about my younger years (2yrs ago), i thought about how i saw myself. Uncool (whatever that means), lazy, dumb, failure, unpretty, funny (sometimes). To look at those descriptions just now, those words are words people at one point used to describe me. I took them and believed them. And ultimately lived them. Now, i wonder how i see myself. do i still live like what people describe me as. if thats true, then i havent gone very far. not matter where i live, i can still cease to progress. there are moments where i think i am above whats on this earth, but then i do something stupid or think a thought that is like this world. To be realistic, i believe i have progressed a bit. but i dont think i am anywhere near where i want to be. On that note, i think i should be doing what is better for me to do right now. Bye...

So We Made It

2006-04-04T13:04:00.000-07:00

Hey fellow peeps,
we are in California! woohoo! We havent been able to go camping yet, because of the rain. Kinda stupid, but i guess we cant do anything about it. We might be going to an art gallery today. I think i will like that. Yesterday, we went to the HOLLYWOOD sign. I think the most exciting part about the Hollywood sign was looking at all the houses along the way. There were some pretty sweet houses. We havent done anything too exciting yet, mostly because we arent interested in the usual sit seeing thats done down here. I just want to hang out at the beach, rain or shine, but thats ok. BUT! But, our first day here we got to see dolphins and a whale. So good! I think thats the best moment here so far. We might be going to a blues club, which i think should be fun. However, they say there is no singing and i think thats the best part of blues. I dont understand the language of just music and so...we'll see how it goes. Anyways, i dont have much time. Talk to you soon.

Learning to love

2006-03-30T14:03:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,
well as most of you know we (Hannah, Rachael, and I) are going to California, with a friend, for 2 weeks. We are pretty excited, but I think also alittle nervous. Just because we dont know what to expect. Last night, was wednesday night Bible Study. We went for a hike and then had a camp fire. It was pretty stupendous! With the mountains and the stars, it felt like thats the way life should be. Minus the really wet feet and near death experiences with ice...that death part didnt happen. Anyways, it was that night that I realized how awesome the people are that I have gotten to know. It seems that I keep meeting awesome people and they end up meaning so much to me. I am also realizing that when people move around alot they get used to saying good-bye and it gets easier to leave. I am not finding this for myself. I am actually feeling more attached to everyone I meet, even people I only hang out with once. If you have been keeping up with reading my blogs, you know that I have learned alot here. I am learning so much about myself and the person I want to be in Christ. I have found that Christ means so much more to me now, than ever before. I am not changed, but changing. Everything that I have learned here is still so fuzzy in the way I live my life. How can my view of things be so unclear, but my love for everything else is ever so clear.
Today, something very beautiful happened. Nothing from my own heart, because I know my own heart. When someone says that I have a good heart, they are mistaken. For it is not my own heart at work, but the heart of God. In those small but significant times I let God's love work through me, something beautiful happened. Grace is given. Today, someone's pride grew and it effected alot of people. Made their morning very difficult. Most everyone would say that I had the most reason to be mad. And I was. I was so angry with them. But to be honest I have alot of anger. After an hour and half at work, I prayed. Because God wanted to teach me about his love. I prayed and He took. He took away my anger and brought compassion. I learned that peoples pride can ruin them. And I didnt want that for my friend. I love them too much. I prayed for two things. That they would come to me and I would give them grace. About an hour later, they come walking in the door crying and so humbled. I couldnt help but let a tear go. So happy that love, not from myself, but from God was shown. I have been asking God to teach more about love, about His love. Today, I was in the classroom and I went to the Teacher and said, "Teach me more."

Death, Disappointment...oh and Love.

2006-03-09T23:53:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

I guess I am not good at this blog thing. It takes me forever to write something. But it is also because I don't really write about events in my life, but struggles and victories in my life. So, I guess I will continue...

Lately, I have been thinking about death. I know creepy. But I think its important. I have been thinking about how crazy death is. How weird it would be to be dead, to not be one of the living. But by God's grace to be more alive than I have ever been, but not be on earth. Death is also scary. And I am going to miss this world, I doubt very much. I will surely miss my family and friends, I hope they are soon behind me. I am already sounding like I am about to die or that I am already dead. Death can come at any point, but God has a plan for me. Hmm...I think that's all I want to say about death and dying. I hope it doesn't come soon, because I love people and I want to know more about God here. However, there is apart of me that can't wait to be embraced by him. To be at peace. To not struggle with sin and trying to love God but coming up short.

Another thing I have been dealing with is disappointment with myself. I am sick and tired of failing to do right. I am not good at accepting God's grace. I hate it. I want so bad to forgive myself and to find redemption in Him. And I know I try to do right on my own, I don't depend on Him. And because I don't know how to forgive myself, I continue to be judgmental of others. I try not to be. I know this is intense for me to say this, but I feel like I want you to know this. Its something that I have been dealing with for a while...A long while. I am sick of people saying, "give it to God." What does that mean? Okay, sure pray about it. There got to be more I can do, something more. I know prayer is powerful, I know. I really do. Its what I've been doing. So I have come to think that there's got to more I can do with God to feel free. I feel so tied to my recurring sin and my past sins. Freedom. Freedom is what I want. To be able to love without fear and guilt. I don't know what to say anymore to Him.

To go on a happier note, I have also been thinking and praying about love. I think this is why I am struggling with death and disappointment, because I know He is slowly perfecting love in me. Which gives me hope. But I got to tell you about this one thing that happened to me. I was in Starbucks or as I like to call it St-ucks. I go to St-ucks a lot to read and chat mostly with Rachael. But this one time I went by myself and I was reading Mark, the gospel. And I was reading about how loving God is. Christ is so perfect. Too perfect for this world. And just the realization of Gods love came to me, from none other than God himself. So, I got up and hurried home to tell my housemates and dear friends that I love them. While on the way home, I was listening to Will Smith (I know, I know...Its Will Smith, but I got to be honest with what I like). Anyways, there's this one line that he says something like..."I realized I loved you more than life itself." And I just thought how good it is that God loved me- us, so much more than this world. Hence his willingness to die for us. Which made me walk so much more faster, so much more that I contemplated becoming a pro speed walker. But then I thought about the fact that that's not cool.

There's obvisously, so much more that's going on with me. But things that need to be said in person. Things that couldn't be said other than in poetry or in person. But thank you for reading a little of my heart. I continue to ask for my heart to be changed. So that lve may flow from my fingers and be expressed with my life for the glory of God. Which would be the purpose of my existence. So until then, random blogging will have to do. I love you all.

2 Hands

2006-01-26T23:06:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have felt so chaostic within myself. I have wanted to pray to God and wanted to think about things, but...I feel like I want to play with a toy, but I can't because my room is such a mess and I am frantically looking. There is this panic inside of me and all I want is this toy. All I want is God. The reason why my room is messy, is because I want control. I want control in my relationship with God. So I put things im my room, things I think will bring control. Devotions, good deeds, opinions, obligated prayer, and broccoli. Not saying there is broccoli roiting in my room and not saying that those things are bad. I am just saying I shouldnt try to control something that cant be controlled. I just end up with failed attempts and a messy room.
My motives. So, on the one hand I have this desire (a desire that cannot be obtain on my own) to love God and on the other there is this desire to have God washing my feet...all the time. All at the snap of my fingers. It's like when I became a Christian, God replaced one of my hands (at the time, they were both about filling my own desires) with one of love for God. Or at least, the desire to love Him. So now, I have one hand battling the other. So...I am now stuck with hands that battle.

I dont know if that made much sense. Basically, I am tired of fighting with my motives and my selfishness. I just want to love. Just simply love. I am tired...so I guess I am going to bed.

So...about that.

2006-01-19T19:04:00.000-08:00

Hey! So...I know I am pretty bad at this blog thing. Either I am too busy or I dont think about it. Well, I guess I should get on with this and tell you whats been up with me.
As most of you know by now, I am living in Alberta. Working at a Best Western as a housekeeping. Yeah, nothing glam about it. OK, this is gross but i got to tell it. The other day I had to unplug a toilet. I was alittle frustrated that day, b/c as a housekeeper you dont have alot of time for stupid things (like unplug toilets). So...I was trying to unplu fast. BIG mistake. It started splashing...I got someone's poop all over my face!! So...(sigh).
For New Years, we went skating. So much fun! I hadnt been skating in so long and I kinda missed it. I was alittle bit more outgoing with skating. I am not an overgoing person...I mean...I dont try alot of new things, b/c I am afraid of falling, failing or...breaking a limb. But I didnt and I had fun. I didnt even fall...so I guess I didnt fail either. Nice! And have been skating a couple times after that as well. However, I did fall, but it wasnt my fault. Not at all.
I am learning alot about God. I am learning alot about God and I. I am learning about giving my all. Being obedient. Forgiving myself and others for being imperfect. I am learning alot, sometimes i feel alittle too much. But I think its good. Right now, I am mostly forcusing on love. I have been for a while and I think its a life jounry. To not only understand selflessness, but to live on a moment by moment basis. I know its hard, but i think its mostly possible in time. Anyways, I think that I am going to end here...Cuz I want to tell so much...but I am going to wait til later. BYE

The Journal of Frank Laubach

2005-12-03T13:43:00.000-08:00

"Can we have that contact with God all the time? All the time awake, fall asleep in His arms, and awaken in His presence? Can we attain that? Can we do His will all the time? Can we think His thoughts all the time?...Can I bring the Lord back to my mind-flow every few seconds so that God shall always be in my mind? I choose to make the rest of my life an experiment in answering the question. "

His experiment started January 1930.

Janruary 26, 1930
"I am feeling God in each movement, by an act of will- willing that He shall direct these finger that now strike this typewriter- willing that He shall pour through my steps as I walk."

March 1, 1930
"This sense of being led by unseen hand which takes mine while another hand reaches ahead and prepares the way, grows upon me daily...sometimes it requires a long time early in the morning. I determine not to get out of bed until that mind set upon the Lord is settled."

April 18, 1930
"I have tasted a thrill in fellowship with God which has made anything discordant with God disgusting. This afternoon the possession of God has caught me up with such sheer joy that I thought I never had known anything like it. God was so close and so amazingly lovely that I felt like melting all over with a strange blissful contentment. Having had this experience, which comes to me now several times a week, the thrill of filth repels me, for I know its power to drag me from God. And after an hour of close friendship with God my soul feels clean, as new fallen snow."

May 14, 1930
"Oh, this thing of keeping in constant touch with God, of making Him the object of my thought and the companion of my conversations, is the most amazing thing I ever ran across. It is working. I cannot do it even half of a day- not yet, but I believe I shall be doing it some day for the entire day. It is a matter of acquiring a new habit of thought."

May 24, 1930
"This concentration upon God is strenuous, but everything else has ceased to be so. I think more clearly, I forget less frequently. Things which I did with a strain before, I now do easily and with no effort whatever. I worry about nothing, and lose no sleep. I walk on air a good part of the time. Even the mirror reveals a new light in my eyes and face. I no longer feel in a hurry about anything. Everything goes right. Each minute I meet calmly as though it were not important. Nothing can go wrong excepting one thing. That is that God may slip from my mind."

June 1, 1930
"Ah, God, what a new nearness this brings for Thee and me, to realize that Thou alone canst understand me, for Thou alone knowest all! Thou art no longer a stranger, God! Thou art the only being in the universe who is not partly a stranger! Thou art all the way inside with me- here...I mean to struggle tonight and tomorrow as never before, not once to dismiss thee. For when I lose Thee for an hour I lose. The thing Thou wouldst do can only be done when Thou hast full sway all the time.
Last Monday was the most completely successful day of my life to date, so far as giving my day in complete and continuous surrender to God is concerned...I remember how as I looked at people with a love God gave, they looked back and acted as though they wanted to go with me. I felt then that for a day I saw a little of that marvelous pull that Jesus had as He walked along the road day after day 'God-intoxicated' and radiant with endless communion of His soul with God."

I thought that since God impacted this guys life so much through teaching him how to be in constant communion with Him, I thought I might spread his writings. I have been trying to do this...this constant talking with God...its hard. I have come face with issuse that I dont want deal with that are truly haunting me. I have dealt with many issuse, because I desire to be close with God. However, sadly I find I go days fighting with the issuse of giving up and living a "fake" life. But I am realizing that my life...during those fights, are so difficult and empty. Empty chaos. Please pray that I may surrender myself completely to God so that I may be in complete union with Him. So that people will see no hypocrisy with me. I wish this for you as well.

i never thought i would be doing this....

2005-09-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

Hola,
i honestly never thought i would be the kind of person to do one of these things. but then i realized i have alot of friends who i guess want to know whats up with me. Plus, i got alot to say and this makes me feel important. haha...ha?
Currently, i dont have a job. I feel like this happens to me alot...the joblessness. it sucks, but i am milking it for all its worth. So, i'm relaxing and reading. i am reading this really good book called, buck naked faith, its about an honest look at ones faith and how some....most times we only do as much as we need to when it come to loving God. And how we dont' allow our selves to go in full pursuit in loving God selflessly and selfishly.
i think thats all i have for now, but i am sure i will have more to say....soon.